Why Are You So Hard On Yourself?

Are you your own worst critic?

What happens when you make a mistake? Are you hard on yourself? Blame yourself? Call yourself names?

What happened to “Love thy neighbor as thyself”? Why do we forget the love thyself part? Most of us are not comfortable with that. We feel selfish if we love ourselves. We give our neighbor the benefit of the doubt, but not ourselves.

Compassion and Self-Compassion

What is compassion? Sympathetic awareness of another’s distress together with a desire to alleviate it.

When your friends and loved ones are hurting or dealing with difficult situations or difficult emotions, compassion means offering them love and support and wishing them easier times. [Love thy neighbor]

What is self-compassion? Responding to yourself with the same kindness, care, and support that you would treat another person that you care about. [Love thyself

It’s so much easier to be objective with someone else. Most of us are overly self-critical. Why?

Internal name calling, negative self-image, and negative self-talk often come from things you experienced in the home you grew up in as a child.

The problem NOW is that thought patterns and beliefs which developed when you were a child feel like they are the truth after all these years of believing them. Just because they feel true does NOT mean they ARE in fact, true and accurate. Time to question them!!

Is Lack of Self-Compassion the Source of Your Anxiety?

Clients often come to my office unsure of why they are having so much anxiety. Many times, the source of anxiety is actually their own negative thoughts and beliefs about themselves:

* Worry about not being good enough
* Questioning whether they are doing enough
* Bothered by what they think other people think

Do any of these sound like you:

We spend way too much time thinking about all the ways we’re not good enough and not enough time acknowledging all the ways that we are perfect – just the way we are!

* The mom who runs herself ragged, worried about whether she is doing enough. Should she be doing more? Do other people think she should be doing more?

* The student whose self-esteem comes from grades and performance and how she ranks, worried about being a failure if she doesn’t get A’s on everything.

* The retiree who can’t allow herself to slow down, relax and enjoy retirement. She thinks she should be doing more, she should have a more important purpose in life, and should be busy all the time to prove it.

* The athlete whose self-value comes from whether or not she wins or loses. Winning and being THE best are only ways to show or validate that she is good enough.

Of course it causes a lot of anxiety to question yourself all the time, to wonder if you are doing enough, and therefore worry…are you a good enough person?

Why We Resist Self-Compassion

According to Kristin Neff, PhD, a leading researcher in the field, it’s the firm belief that being kind to yourself will undermine your motivation.

If I don’t push myself to succeed, I won’t reach my goals.
I’ll get lazy. I’ll be a failure.

Or so we tell ourselves. And most of us fear failure more than anything.

Research actually shows that people who are more self-compassionate tend to achieve more, be more courageous in the face of risk, and are more resilient because they do not give up. They keep trying because they can tolerate the occasional times of failure or mistakes, without deciding that these things mean they are a bad person.

“When we judge ourselves harshly…” notes Kristin, “we start to lose our self-confidence and become more afraid of failing.” It’s a vicious cycle.

It’s also common to hold a firm belief that self-compassion (a form of self-love) is selfish. It is not selfish. It is not narcissistic.

Research suggests the opposite. This is not a self-centered practice. Self-compassionate people are better able to take the perspective of others, and are perceived by others as connected and responsive and caring.

Give It A Try

All good comes from self-compassion. There is no downside. Include yourself in the circle of compassion that you probably extend to your loved ones automatically and naturally. You deserve it.

You’ll Never Guess Why I Got The Flu

In the midst of one of the worst flu seasons in Milwaukee ever on record, I got the dreaded flu. Yet all my friends we’re so surprised because “you’re my healthiest friend.”

So, why did I get the flu?

Ask a scientist or doctor and you’ll hear about the human immune system and airborne contagions. As if it is all physical… I generally have a very strong immune system, and I actively use natural, holistic supplements and other things to keep it that way.

So, why did I get the flu? Is it all physical? I think not.

The Back Story

I started out 2018 by setting new intentions and goals, as I do each New Year. Usually this is in the form of theme words. One of my theme words this year is CONNECTED. For me, CONNECTED means CONNECTED to the Universe, to Spirit, to those in my life, and to myself.

[I use the words Universe and Spirit here to represent a spiritual connection. Please translate to whatever words may work for you, such as God, Buddha, Goddess, Higher Power, The Divine, or whatever fits for you.]

But this year, for the first time ever, I also got a motto for my new year. When I say that I got it, I mean that I didn’t set out to create a motto. The idea and the words just came to me. (Hmmmm… divine inspiration.)

My motto for 2018: Less is More.

Ever since that motto came to me, I have been pondering what it really means. I started wondering how Less is More might be related to my intention to be CONNECTED.

So, why did I get the flu?

Essential vs. Optional

I can’t remember the last time I was this sick. A couple of days were like a blur to me… fever, aches, fatigue, nausea, headache migraine, coughing, sleeping, resting.

The decision to cancel everything (do less!) on my schedule for the rest of the week came out of sheer necessity. I was non-functional. Being that sick made it easier to see what is essential and to let go of the rest.

After a visit to my most amazing chiropractor, Dr. Angie English, the fever finally broke!

Then I became dangerous! As I was slowly feeling better physically, I almost immediately started thinking “If I have to be stuck home sick, maybe I could at least get some things done.”

So I started rescheduling appointments, and picking up things around the house that I had strewn all over. Dr. Angie warned me to take it easy and continue resting. Yes, good idea but certainly I can do that later after I finish doing a few more things, right? Dangerous!

Doing more felt better. More is more, right? That was my instinct.

So, why did I get the flu?

The Gift of the Flu

I think the Universe loves me so much (and you too!) that it responded to my intention for Less is More. The flu was so bad that all doing and most thinking came to a complete halt. It forced me to make the decisions necessary to do less and be more in the moment, tuned in to myself…Connected!

I was just becoming aware of these lessons from the Universe when I decided to take an Epsom salt bath with frankincense and lavender essential oils. The one I took the day before really helped, so this time I added more frankincense. More is more, right?

Shortly after I got in the tub, my skin started tingling and itching. Too much frankincense. Oops, I guess less is more.

Seeing deeper than a negative situation

Thank you Universe for loving me so much to help me see past a seemingly negative situation and learn so many lessons about Less is More:

Less doing and busy-ness
• Less sense of urgency
• Less focus on being productive; more focus on being
• Being in the present moment (mindfulness)
• Accepting what is (leading to the next item….)
• Peace even in the midst of illness
• Honoring my limitations
• Practicing asking for help
• Prioritizing myself first

 

What could you learn if you could see beyond a seemingly negative situation and listen more deeply?

I’m listening Universe… Next request… May I come to listen more deeply and understand how Less is More without the flu, please?

P.S. The Universe loves you too!

Wise Words from a Paper Bag

Often in life, the most important question we can ask ourselves is: do we really have the problem we think we have?

—from a paper bag at Chipotle

Notice You’re Alright Right Now

This strategy was adapted from Rick Hanson, Ph.D., a neuropsychologist and author of the best-selling Buddha’s Brain: The Practical Neuroscience of Happiness, Love, and Wisdom.

Take a close look at this moment, right now. You are probably alright.

Anxiety is always about either:

a) the future (worries and “what if” thoughts), or

b) the past (dwelling on what happened, second-guessing, etc)

Reduce anxiety by intentionally dwelling on the NOW. In this one single moment, are you alright? It may not be perfect, or ideal. You may feel some pain in the now (physical or emotional). But are you safe and OK and basically alright just for this one moment of now?

You are probably alright. Right now. Use this strategy many times throughout your day to bring yourself back into the peace of the present moment.

10 MORE Great Ways to Love Yourself

Last February I wrote about Loving Yourself and it was so popular I decided to add 10 more ways to love yourself this year….

Gifts that Say I Love You to Yourself

1. Rest. My Vipassana meditation teacher from Burma says (in his Burmese accent): “Take Rest, Take Rest, Take Rest.” Whether it be sleep or a 2 minute break, rest is a gift to yourself so…Take it!

2. Self-compassion. Are you harder on yourself than you are on everybody else? Stop beating yourself up. Treat yourself with the same kindness, care, and support that you would offer to another person that you care about.

3. Schedule fun. Make a list of 20 things you think are fun. Then put them into your calendar and make your fun just as important (or even more important!) as all your other appointments.

4. Make a list and check it twice. Sit down and don’t get up until you’ve listed 10 things you love about yourself. If it’s very easy, then make it 20.

5. Let learning be enough. Forgive yourself for past mistakes or errors in judgment. Hindsight truly is 20/20 so take the lessons away from past mistakes and they will help you move forward. Self-forgiveness is the antidote to guilt, self-blame and self-criticism.

6. Stand up for yourself. Know that your needs and opinions matter. Be confident in asserting yourself and letting others know what is important to you. You’re worth it!

7. Practice being truly present. Learning how to be mindful adds more pleasure and meaning to life. Plus it reduces stress and anxiety. This is a continual practice. You don’t ever have to become an expert – you just need to keep practicing. Start with the intention to “be here now”… and practice.

8. Hang out with the best. Consciously choose to spend your precious time with people who lift you up, who treat you well, respect you, and accept you just the way you are.

9. Embrace this 4-letter word. H-E-L-P. Why do we think we are supposed to do everything on our own? Who made that rule? Asking for help is a sign of wisdom, not weakness. Help is what makes the world go around, and makes us feel connected. It is a gift knowing you don’t have to do it all alone.

10. Celebrate your successes. Acknowledge yourself for all accomplishments big and small. Writing them down in a success journal helps your brain to remember them and builds confidence. Read over your list regularly and see the proof in writing of how truly capable and amazing you are.

The 4 Minute Raisin

You’ve heard of mindfulness and research is clear that mindfulness helps reduce anxiety. But HOW can you be mindful?

Here is one simple way to experience and practice mindfulness: Eat one raisin…mindfully. Take 4 minutes to pick up, look at, eat, taste and mindfully experience that raisin.

Sound impossible or silly? Give it a try and get a taste of mindfulness – pun intended 😆 

5 Ways Stress Prevents Weight Loss

Tis the season when many of us are focusing on losing weight.

Whatever you do, please don’t go on a diet. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: diets don’t work. If you are tired of yo-yo dieting, then you know what I mean.

95 to 98% of dieters regain the weight they lost. Does this ring true for you?

Stress and anxiety are huge, huge contributors to:

1. Inability to lose weight
2. Weight gain
3. Inability to keep weight off
4. Inability to maintain ideal weight
5. Overeating

Let’s look at the top reasons why…

1. Emotional Eating

We are actually hardwired to eat when we’re under stress. So stress and emotional eating are often major contributors to inability to lose weight.

This comes from the brain’s evolutionary process; from a time when fight-or-flight was a necessary daily survival skill for cave people. The energy gained from the extra food calories could help the body react and survive in the threat of sabertooth tigers.

Your brain still has that ancient wiring which unconsciously tells you to eat when you feel stress or anxiety.

Food is often used for many reasons completely unrelated to physical hunger: distraction, boredom, avoidance, comfort, love, filling a void, control, anger, anxiety, depression, avoidance of emotions, body image worries, shame. The list could go on and on.

Until you resolve the underlying emotions and related stress, emotional eating will always sabotage weight loss.

Are you an Emotional Eater? Take this QUIZ.

2. Worrying, Sleeping… Leptin and Ghrelin

Stress and anxiety alter the hormone leptin (“the satiety hormone”) which is supposed to tell your body to stop consuming food when you become full. Stress creates an imbalance which prevents that message from coming through, thus causing overeating and bingeing.

Conversely, stress and anxiety cause increases in your levels of ghrelin (the “hunger hormone”). Ghrelin is produced in your stomach and is supposed to signal you that it is time to start eating. Stress and anxiety cause ghrelin to send excess hunger signals… this stimulates appetite, increases food intake and promotes fat storage.

Sleep More and Worry Less

Studies show that shortened sleep time is associated with decreases in leptin and elevations in ghrelin. According to a 2004 study, people who sleep less than six hours a day were almost 30 percent more likely to become obese than those who slept seven to nine hours (from WebMd).

Sleepless nights have a direct impact on brain regions that control decision making and make us more inclined to crave fast food rather than healthier options (from 2013 research at UC Berkeley, from Psychology Today).

Furthermore, a study published in the journal “Appetite” found that worry – just thinking about a stressful event in the future can cause you to eat more by increasing your levels of ghrelin.

3. Cortisol, Metabolism, and your Thyroid

With chronic stress or anxiety, your adrenal glands produce a cascade of hormones connected to your fight-or-flight response. You end up with an excess of adrenaline and cortisol (the main stress hormones).

High cortisol levels signal to your brain that it is time to go into fight-or-flight mode. Then three things happen:

1. Hunger increases.

2. Your thyroid reduces its hormone production and thus slows down your metabolism.

3. Energy, fat, and calories are stored to avoid starvation, and also to conserve energy (in case you need to fight that sabertooth).

Stress ==> more cortisol

==> hunger and increased appetite =

no weight loss and more belly fat

4. Stress, Insulin, and Blood Sugar

Another part of the hormonal cascade that occurs due to stress or anxiety is imbalance in insulin levels. Did you know that insulin was a hormone?

Increases in cortisol caused by stress also can cause higher insulin levels. Insulin regulates your blood sugar. When insulin levels are off, your blood sugar drops and you crave sugary, fatty foods.

 

Stress ==> blood sugar drops

==> food cravings =

weight loss sabotage

5. Stress and Mood – Tryptophan and Vitamin B

Stress and anxiety are both very correlated with low mood and depression. And those things are correlated with weight gain. It creates a vicious cycle.

The more stress and anxiety you have, and the lower your mood, the more likely you are to have food cravings and eat foods that will actually perpetuate the problem.

You might benefit from a boost in serotonin, which is the brain’s feel-good chemical. What most people don’t know is that 95% of your body’s serotonin is produced and stored in your gut.

You can help your gut produce serotonin by increasing a particular amino acid called tryptophan. Foods high in tryptophan can help with mood and are also stress-reducing.

When people feel stressed or anxious and their blood is measured, they tend to have high levels of lactate in their blood. Foods high in B vitamins help stabilize the body’s blood lactate levels, and have a calming effect on your nervous system.

Tired of Diets that Don’t Work?

If you are tired of yo-yo dieting, try a different approach.
Focus on one of the biggest root causes of the problem: stress and anxiety. Read about HOW on my blog:

Emotional eating, Top 5 holiday sabotages, why diets don’t work, what does work
• #1 most effective solution for stress and anxiety, the one and only resolution you ever need

Remember…
If you always do what you always did…
You’ll always get what you always got.

Your Free Well-Being Toolkit

The Center For Healthy Minds in Madison, Wisconsin is a treasure with a national reputation.  The Center was founded by world renowned researcher  Dr. Richard J. Davidson.  We are blessed to have this leading edge research and resource in our local community. 

Their mission:  Cultivate well-being and relieve suffering through a scientific understanding of the mind.

Check out their many free online tools and meditations

Figuring Out What YOU Really Want

Anxiety treatment - Di Philippi, Brookfield, Milwaukee

In the midst of what can turn into a “crazy busy” season, the best way to have less stress is to put YOU smack dab on the top of your To Do List.

Think about what you really WANT this month…Not all the things you should do, not what others want you to do. Instead…ask yourself a few questions:

 

How would you like to feel during this holiday season?

What would you like to do just for YOU?

What would you like to NOT do?

Depending on your answers, I have a lot of creative ideas for you:

• If you want less pressure to have the “perfect” holiday, read THIS

• If you want to survive the holidays without sabotaging your healthy eating, check THIS out 

• To feel more gratitude during the season, read the 5 Ways to Practice Gratitude toward the end of this ARTICLE 

• For more peaceful feelings, try THIS

• If you want to smile more and experience FUN amidst the busy season, here are 6 Easy Tools 

• To escape commercialism, find more meaning, and get a warm-hearted feeling inside, try tip #4 or tip #6 HERE 

• To give yourself permission to slow down and relieve holiday pressures, read THIS 

• If you want to escape the craziness, then relax with THIS 5-minute Tool 

• To feel more connected with your loved ones, try THIS

• Want to give yourself the most meaningful and important gift for the New Year? Here’s HOW

Anxiety Treatment in Brookfied,Milwaukee

 

Wishing you all that you want this holiday season!

 

 

Do A Cost-Benefit Analysis

Many of the holistic anxiety-reduction techniques that I recommend are really pretty easy to learn and easy to do. But people often tell me they don’t have the time for it. Time becomes the barrier. I get that. We are living in a “crazy busy” time and we all have plenty to do.

Time is a cost, just as money is a cost. Even the time we spend earning money is a cost.

If you can layout both the costs and benefits of taking action (and then see how the benefits outweigh the costs), then you will be motivated to prioritize time and tasks differently. For example, I have one client who chose to make time for Mindful Belly Breathing Meditation – 2 times a day for 15 minutes each as I had recommended. That 30 minutes per day was a big cost. Today, she’s receiving so much benefit from it that she asked if it is OK to do it 3 times a day!

Comparing your costs to the benefits might be the motivation you need to take positive action… and start reaping the benefits.